Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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