Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
