I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Randomize
