I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Randomize
