I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
