Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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