just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Randomize