my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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