You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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