i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
How many fucks given?
0.12846
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
