I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
