I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
