I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I still have a little drunk in my system
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Randomize
