Acid is not a monday night drug
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
