I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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