How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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