Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
