guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Randomize
