WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
dude. I can hear the air.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
