I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
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