i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
