why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
COCAINE IS GR8
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Randomize
