My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Randomize
