The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
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