only if we run a train.
done.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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