fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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