Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Randomize
