There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Randomize
