oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
