I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
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