If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize