Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Randomize
