I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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