plz talk dirty to me
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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