i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize