i just made my gag reflex go away.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Randomize
