I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize