so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
