Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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