It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Randomize
