I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
