Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
All the doctor said was why
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Randomize
