as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Randomize
