do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
time to smoke my breakfast
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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