sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
