Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Come see our sink grown plant.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
