fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
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