Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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