I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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