Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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