I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
try to milk me bitch
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