Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
There's always time for handjobs
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
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