Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Randomize