I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
