At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
