...is it true? will i see you next weekend
YES.
ah, i can't wait till there's negative 2 inches between us
6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
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