I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
