i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
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