I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
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